Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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