her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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