one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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