I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
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