You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
