remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
