Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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