I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
