listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
