Quick, to the slutcave!
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
