she looked like the before picture.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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