Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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