the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I hope mine doesn't look like that
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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