I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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