I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
