She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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