Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
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I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
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Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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