My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
