You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
