I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
