My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
