His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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