i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
