So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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