Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
