I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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