the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
