Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
