Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
