apparently the secret to your success is patron
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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