Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
