...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
