what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
