I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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