She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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