i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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