Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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