I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
