My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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