I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
