after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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