he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
