My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
