Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
