My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
We got so high we made milksteak
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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