shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
