***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
