Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
