Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
