I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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