I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
