Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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