You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
