i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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