you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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