Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
