have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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