Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
