i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
