sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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