Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I stole a fireplace last night.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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