I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
